Aperture and Focus.

Every Sunday, I try to do something that will help with introspection. Nine times out of ten its a walk. It is a time for reflection, and processing the last week to make space for the next one. This weekend’s reflection was on aperture and focus. Ironically, two terms that carry weight in both photography and my life. I knew going out for my (bi-weekly) walk, I wanted to break out my fave girl (Nikon D3200). Because:

I have not shot with my actual camera in months
Somehow, shooting with an actual camera, eases my anxiety, in that I am ONLY focused on the composition of the shot, and not, Miss Rona.

So I headed to the coast of San Fran, away from East Bay, because on a holiday weekend, of course there would be less people there right? Another lesson, for another day.

Anyway, I dared myself to shoot in manual the entire time. Now, shooting in manual is a bit more nuanced than a cell phone camera, and a little more complex than setting to ‘auto’ on the camera and watching the magic work. Manual setting on a DSLR camera requires that the user assess the light, and focus to the object to completely deliver a composed shot. Mostly focusing on the aperture and lens focus.

The aperture of a lens is an opening that determines just how how much light is let into a shot. A small hole that can be opened in measure. Meaning, you want to ensure people can see the objects in your picture, but they are not over exposed. If you let too much light in, no one will be able to see your image— on the contrary, if you do not let in enough light, the focus of your image is lost. The focus, of course allows you to determine just how clear your image is, whether you need to take a step back or look at it from another angle, for the composition to make sense. I feel like for much of this quarantine, I have been focusing on these two tasks, almost exclusively in my daily life.

In this time, like a lot of people I am running on manual. I have to make a conscious choice to get up everyday and figure out a life far different from the one I have been living the last [redacted] years, and the one I planned for myself, after having JUST moved clear across the country, by myself. Everyday choosing just how much news I expose myself to, so that I can maintain some light in my life. As well as taking inventory on what I truly prioritize. What makes me happy? Do these aspects spark genuine joy? These questions come daily, and oftentimes with different answers.

As with photography, there is a consistent, to compose a good shot, you have to allow yourself a bit of time and a lot of grace. It is day 989 in this quarantine, and I have my good and bad days, but the one thing I have kept top of mind is grace. There will be times where I feel so optimistic, it helps me dance around this apartment, and other days where all I can do is turn on the TV and sit. On both days, there is pride. Throw in there the weight that comes with living as a black woman during this time, it is a constant war of self-care, and protecting my own mental health. It takes courage to listen to your feelings and give them validation. Afford yourself the grace to figure it TF out on a daily basis.

It has become apparent that a camera has become not only a way of staying connected to those I love, but also a way I can understand navigating this crisis on a much simpler scale. Its at least good to know in some way, I’ve always had the tools needed for this crisis. Right?

Click through some images from the walk below, and check out some more calming images here.